The twin babies translated

It’s all about politics:

“The guy is the New York Times”

Thanks, Charles Martel:

How to write a Thomas Friedman column

This instruction sheet on the “how-to” of a Thomas Friedman column is from 2004, but it’s as fresh, funny and accurate today as it was on the day it was published.

Hat tip:  Ricochet

Someone knows me all too well

The only difference for me is that my house has a rather sprawling floor plan, so I get more exercise as I go through my day:

The most emailed New York Times article ever

A lot of people have pointed out that, if you check out the New York Times’ “most emailed articles” linked, and compare it to, say, the Wall Street Journal’s “most emailed articles” link, there’s a certain lack of seriousness in the former.  The Awl has noticed.

Hat tip:  Ricochet

Some say Iowahawk is a genius

Some saw Iowahawk is a comedic genius.  Some (myself included) would agree:

Hat tip:  Soccer Dad

Japanese innovation at its best

I want one of these installed on any toilet my son uses. Maybe it will improve his aim.

Sega have [sic] launched a new bathroom video game console – that is controlled by the player’s urine.

Sensors on the novel device – named the ‘Toylet’ – measure the speed and intensity of the male player’s water flow at the urinal.

[snip]

A pressure sensor in the urinal measure the strength and the location of the urine stream as it hits the basin.

An LCD screen displays the graphics and rewards the strength, length and accuracy of the pee through a points system.

[snip]

In ‘The North Wind and Her’ the player lifts up a woman’s skirt with high-pressure blasts in their role as the wind.

A choir of staggering awfulness

As I watched this video, which is truly toe-curling, I kept asking myself “why?”  Was this a retirement home joke, with the seniors gleefully anticipating a viral video?  Did an evil choir director sadistically take advantage of a vulnerable population?  Can a group of performers actually be this atrocious without deliberately aiming for that level of incompetence?

You decide:

My life, in a nutshell

A graphic explanation for why I don’t get anything done.

I feel much better about myself now

Much, much, much better.  Way much better.  Truly, really, totally much better.  Better than what?  Better than this.

Sometimes a person’s name is just too perfect

I had to laugh (emphasis mine):

As the director of the San Francisco Department of the Environment, Melanie Nutter is in charge of implementing some of City Hall’s most controversial ideas, such as mandatory composting.

Unclear on the concept

Overheard, verbatim, in a mall:

Him:  For the last time — do you want Chinese food or not?

Her:  No, I don’t.

Him:  Gawd!  You are so passive aggressive.

A good joke

A reader was kind enough to pass this joke on to me, and I now get to share it with you:

Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher and before school started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year…

SEMPER FI

My very proper, very rigid, very Germanic, very ex-mil Dad, as a result of reshuffling in his school district, spent the last decade of his life teaching at one of the worst schools in the Bay Area.  He would have enjoyed this joke.

Spelling it out

Since warnings labels seem to be dominating the news (that cigarette thing), Doug Ross has some suggestions for political warning labels.

“Obama probably failed lunch”

I think Kim might be right — this might be the best Hitler parody ever.

A foolish dog moment

I had a corgi back in the days when people were so unfamiliar with the breed, they routinely asked me if I had a large rabbit on my leash.  If you like corgis, or just happen to like foolish dogs, this video is charming:

A movie in the mind’s eye

Stole this one from The New Editor:

I’m still giggling.

Breaking up is hard to do

It’s a perfectly matched set.  Begin with Iowahawk, to enjoy the ultimate break-up.

Now that you’re laughing, see how it happens in the real world:

http://widget.nbc.com/videos/nbcshort_at.swf?CXNID=1000004.10045NXC&widID=4727a250e66f9723&clipID=1246830&showID=1&configXML=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nbc.com%2Fservice%2Fvideowidget%2Fparams%2FdmlkZW9faWQ9MTI0NjgzMA%3D%3D%2F&initXML=http://www.nbc.com%2Fthe-tonight-show%2Fvideo%2Fepisodes%2Finit.xml?videoId=1246830

One of the cleverest commercials I’ve seen in ages

I love the product and I love the commercial.  This one really deserves lots and lots of airplay:

Why Obama Wants You to “Turn On, Tune Out, and Drop Out” — by Guest Blogger Robin of Berkeley

To:  American Citizens
From:  Your Government
Date:  Today

It has come to our attention that citizens on your side of the aisle (“WN’s”, aka Wing Nuts) are doing a lot of talking.  What in the world are you gabbing about?

Talk Radio, talking amongst yourselves, chatting on the Internet.   What is with you people?  Haven’t you ever heard of:   “Turn on, Tune in, and Drop Out?”

This government feels that all this talking is in direct violation of the First Amendment.  Regulations Czar Cass Sunstein is working out the details.

In the meantime,  your government is issuing the following directive regarding inappropriate conversation topics.    Because we are the most transparent government in the history of humankind, we will also include a comprehensive list of acceptable topics.

Unacceptable Topics:

1. Radical Islam:

Why are you WN’s making a big fuss about Islam?  Muslims are conservative, religious people with big families.  Aren’t they just like Christians, only their wives aren’t as hot?

President Obama is working night and day to befriend our Muslim neighbors.  In fact, he may or may not be one of them.

Didn’t you people ever listen to Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood?  Remember a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet.

Your judging and criticizing our new friends’ lifestyle is not acceptable in any way, shape or form.   Thus, we are requiring the following new terminology, effective immediately:

“Jihad” — instead please use the term, “religious freedom.”

“Honor killings” — “family values”

“Terrorists” — “freedom fighters”

“Clitoridectomies” — “cosmetic surgery”

2.  Undocumented Workers:

Again, you WN’s are a bunch of sourpusses.  What is wrong with having a bunch more pals from South of the Border?  You act like some of them are drug runners, rapists, kidnappers, and thieves.

Didn’t you people learn to share as children?  The Obama Administration has simply embraced what your mom and dad taught.  We want you to share your emergency rooms, wages,  public schools, and health care with these new friends.

3.  President Obama:

Again, all these questions:  Where was Obama born?  Were his parents Communists?  Where are his school records?  Is he a Muslim?  Why doesn’t he like America?  What are his ties to domestic terrorist Bill Ayers?

Blah, blah, blah.  Yada, yada, yada.  All you need to know is this:  He’s black.  He’s cool.  He dances, he parties, and he has amazing pecs.   And, most importantly, he is not George W. Bush.

This information satisfies liberals — why not you?

4.  The Czars:

Yes it’s true that President Obama has appointed over 30 (sorry, we’ve lost count) Czars.  No, they are not vetted by Congress.   Yes, many appear to be card-carrying socialists or recent discharges from a psych ward.

However, this secret cadre of Czars is absolutely essential to this administration’s agenda.  How in the world can the Democrats radically transform America if you busybodies are all up in their business?

5.  Criticism of Congress:

Public approval of Congress keeps reaching new lows.  Why all this distrust?   When there was a Republican government,  any and all attacks,  demonstrations, and ambushes were necessary.

But this is a Democratic government.  We are the good guys.  When the Democrats are in office, the country can relax.  Leave the driving to us, dude, and take a chill pill.

6.The Mainstream Media:

You people have objected loudly to the MSM’s  swooning over Obama.  Aren’t you being a tad unfair?

Yes it’s true that reporters have been head over heels for Barack.  But these reporters are living, breathing human beings.  Don’t they have needs and desires like any other person?

7.  Misogyny on the Left:

Some of you keep criticizing the Left’s bad treatment of women.     Yes, it’s true that it’s been open season on women, like objectifying Sarah Palin and abusing Michelle Malkin.  True, the Left is not known for giving women any respect.

I hate to break the news to you, ladies.  But liberals don’t give a whit about sexism.  The only “ism” that’s making headlines is racism.

Sexism is so 1970’s.

8.  Black on White (and Asian) Crime:

Yes the statistics are alarming.  But that’s only if you actually read them and publicize them.

True, in San Francisco, 85% of the strong arm robberies are blacks against Asians.   And yes, there have been reports that blacks murder whites at 50 times the rate of the reverse.   There were over a million violent black on white crimes in 1992, compared to over 100,000 white on black crimes.

And we’ll concede that the gang culture, enabled by liberalism, glorifies violence toward others, particularly police and women.    Of course, it’s true that liberal attitudes have so infected the schools and the courts that the perps barely get a slap on the wrist.

But let me make one thing perfectly clear:  this is an unacceptable topic.   Why?  I think you know why by now, you racist.

Acceptable Topics

There are many topics that all citizens are free to discuss at will.

George W. Bush — especially his association to the Prince of Darkness.

Sarah Palin — particularly how crazy she is.

Israel — as long as words like “occupier” and “apartheid” are used.

Tea Parties — especially ties to Neo Nazis and the KKK.

Sincerely,

Your Government

Robin is a licensed psychotherapist and a recovering liberal in Berkeley.   She has written numerous articles for American Thinker.  You can send her an email at robinofberkeley@hotmail.com.

It’s just kind of nice

I got an email from a Marine.  As part of his signature, he included the Marine motto:  Semper fidelis.  I don’t know, but I just think that’s kind of a nice motto to have attached to your life’s work.  It bespeaks, in two Latin words, an ethos of honor and commitment.

I suspect that if I were to have a personal motto, it would be semper querulus. Not exactly uplifting, but accurate nevertheless.

A delightful political ad — wish there were more like this

The Progressives are characterized by solemnity and pomposity.  They take themselves very, very seriously.  Barbara Boxer personified this obsession with self-worth when she chastised a general for respectfully addressing her as “Ma’am” instead of “Senator.”  I really wonder if she thought people were impressed by her thin skin and self-aggrandizement.  As the Anchoress says, though, we need to laugh at them, constantly.  Start here for a good laugh and, once you’re done, press “more” and laugh harder.

And now for something completely silly

If you have a passing familiarity with both the original Star Trek and with Monty Python, this one’s for you:

A very good joke

To me, it’s a good joke if I don’t see the punchline coming.  In this joke, which Zhombre sent me, I didn’t:

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story, ” said the wise old Chinese man.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You have come back for story?”

“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

Where there’s laugh, there’s hope (and that’s no typo)

Enjoy.  And then check out this related post.

I am still laughing, and may not stop for a while *UPDATED*

I don’t know what paper this came from, but it looks real:

23804_379780549401_748894401_4938449_2940283_n

UPDATE:  A friend sent me the original link.  It’s real.

Don’t drink coffee when you read this (language alert)

Mike Volpe, at The Provocateur (he’s a fellow Watcher’s Council member), sent this one:

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’  As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’  Again, the Marine went to fetch it.  While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over & asked his Arab neighbors,

‘Why does it have to be this way?

‘How long must this go on?

‘This fighting between our nations?

‘This hatred?

‘This animosity?

‘This spitting in shoes? ‘

and pissing in cokes?’

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES

Wolf Howling, another Council member, responded with one of his own:

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,’ she asks, ‘Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: ‘No, I don’t think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?’

‘Osama Bin Laden,’ she says. Her fathers eyes grow wide.

‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ her father asks in shock.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.
And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. ‘Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.’

‘I know, ‘ Melissa says, ‘and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.’

You may now return to your regularly scheduled coffee break.

Sometimes, we just have to accept our blessings and go with the original plan

My keyboard is still recovering from the tea I sprayed over it quite liberally after reading this one.  Occasional guffaws and giggles keep leaking out of me as I contemplate the pitfalls of accepting freely offered advice given over the internet.

They don’t make TV like they used to

From Taxi:

I’ll note only that, when I watched the show, the actors seemed so old, and now they look so young.

Yoga for real people

This gal either has raw courage or is totally unselfconscious.  Either way, it’s hilarious:

Have a very GOP Valentine’s Day

I’m not sure it will matter in the polls in November, but the GOP is showing a certain charm and humor this February.  You can send GOP Valentine e-cards to your loved ones (or just good friends) this Valentine’s Day.

I’m trying to decide between the Pelosi/Reid card (“We crafted this Valentine’s card behind closed doors”) and the Rahm card (“Happy [explective] Valentine’s Day”).  Check it out.

A little crude, but still funny: SNL on Scott Brown

http://widgets.nbc.com/o/4727a250e66f9723/4b65c822295381c0/4b65c07d8ac54df2/1d3b11d1/-cpid/13bdcebc642c15b

(And it really is amazing how much Jon Hamm looks like Brown in this sketch.)

Haircut — a parable

Got a brilliant email today:

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.