How to run for President as a Democrat

It’s becoming increasingly obvious that the way to run for President if you’re a Democrat is to make pie in the sky promises, clearly premised on the assumption that, amongst registered voters, there’s a sucker born every minute. And if you can get the sucker vote, you win. Otherwise, how can one account for the most recent statements from the Democratic front runners.

From Obama (and I’m paraphrasing): “I’ll make nuclear weapons go away forever, from the whole world.” Uh, Senator, you do know that, when nuclear weapons are outlawed, only outlaw nations will have nuclear weapons. Sadly, nuclear weapons are a Pandora’s box — once the knowledge is out there, it doesn’t just magically go away, no matter how much Obama wishes it.

From Hillary (and I’m paraphrasing again): “When I’m Goddess, um, President of America, every new baby will get $5,000 American taxpayer dollars presented to it at birth.” Yeah, I know, she didn’t really say that. She said that they’d get a bond or she’d open an account for them (she was a bit unclear there), and they could then spend the money on useful things like college or home ownership. If you want to know everything wrong with this loony toonz suggestion, Big Lizards explains. Some highlights of the idea’s total stupidity are the $20 billion per year price tag, which doesn’t even consider administrative costs; the probability of means testing, since it’s unlikely that the Democrats will have the stomach to force poor people with older children to subsidize young families; and the administrative nightmare of policing the whole damn scheme. How much easier to give people tax breaks so that they can keep and make their own money. But that, of course, would be to assume that Americans are adults who can and should be given responsibility.

From John Edwards (and this is another paraphrase): “Without me, all black men will die.” Really, I don’t know what to say about this one, aside from the fact that he’s more than a little confused about the numbers (something fairly typical for plaintiffs’ attorneys, who rely on hyperbole to sway juries and rake in the big awards).

Since it’s obvious that, if you put a “D” behind your name and run for President, the MSM will let you say any stupid thing without calling you on its manifest idiocy, I’ve decided to run for President as a Democrat. Here’s my platform on the major issues of the day:

The Iraq War: Not only will I have every American troop out of Iraq within 24 hours of my having taken office, I am going to present every Iraqi with a goodie bag, kind of like the ones they give away at the Oscars, to apologize for America’s conduct.

Terrorism: To begin with, I promise to apologize to all of these so-called terrorists for unjust maligning them as, well, terrorists. I understand the socioeconomic forces (all America’s fault, of course) that drove them to kill. As a sign of good will, I’m going to create a new Shar’ia seat in my Cabinet that will review all Federal laws and regulations to make sure that they are either consistent with or do not offend Muslim law.

Environment: The Federal government will fully fund the placement of solar panels on every building in America, garden sheds included. I am also going to pass a law requiring every American to plow over his or lawn lawn and garden and to begin growing feedstocks instead to satisfy the expanding need for ethanol. I will create a Department of Feedstock to ensure that all Americans comply with this mandate.

Race relations: Reparations, funded by a 25% annual increase in taxes on the rich.

Education: To stress education’s importance, I will personally go to each American child’s house and read him a bed time story. I also promise that the Federal Government will provide a private tutor for each child whose family requests one.

Women’s Rights: All women will be required to abort at least one pregnancy as an incentive to keep abortion safe and legal. I will create a Department of Abortion to monitor women and ensure that they comply with this requirement.

The Economy: Tax the rich! Tax the rich! Tax the rich! (And when all the rich are gone, because I’ve taxed them out of existence, I’ll come after you too.)

Vote for Bookworm! She’ll give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of, even if, for you, that dream was a nightmare.

UPDATE:  I thought I’d add another platform:  Gay rights:  I promise to make a statement to all America by letting gays have sex in the Lincoln bedroom (provided, of course, that they donate enough money to my campaign first).

9 Responses

  1. I like the idea Book, but you’ve left out an absolutely necessary qualification. “When, of course, I say “Tax the Rich,” I am exempting all those with the surname Kennedy. Or Democratic senators. Or anyone else whom I decide uses/preserves/collects their money in a holistic, Gaia-friendly manner. Don’t worry y’all, we’ll take it all from those stupid Republicans.”

  2. Don’t forget to mandate footbaths in every school and outlaw Halloween, Christmas and the Pledge.

  3. “Department of Feedstock ” that one got me laughing out loud.

    Ellie, I think Halloween wouldn’t need to be outlawed due to it being a non Christian holiday. Moonbats love Halloween, from what I have seen.

    Book, I love the blog! You have opened up the world of conservative blogging to me. I am a refugee from a very left wing forum. I feel like I found home. Thanks!

  4. You must reinstate the Fairness Doctrine too, with real teeth and an aggressive enforcement staff, so that those wretched liars and hate mongers on talk radio are put out of business and expand the budget for PBS with the same sort of taxes imposed in the UK for the Beebe.

  5. Book?

    Do I hear a cackle and see an outline of
    a Billary behind that green apple?

    Bote fo Book — she de bomb!

    ExP(Jack)

  6. Don’t forget that the Fairness Doctrine or its equivalent must be applied to the Internet. I heard that there are some internet sites where people are allowed to say ANYTHING they want to!

  7. >>…I think Halloween wouldn’t need to be outlawed due to it being a non Christian holiday>>

    Hah. It may be non-Christian(actually, we know it isn’t but they pretty much wiped out the Christian connection years ago), but it’s about witchcraft etc. It offends the muslims. Definitely has to go.

  8. Suek, I think actually Hallow’een may be a pre -Christian (Druid) holiday that Christianty glommed onto. But yes, the point in my post is that Muslims don’t like it. Boo!

    BUT, that’s not the point: the point is VOTE FOR BOOK!

  9. “I also promise that the Federal Government will provide a private tutor for each child whose family requests one.” should read:
    I also promise that the Federal Government will send a unionized tutor to each child’s home regardless of the family’s objections.

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