Medication as a form of discipline
It’s no secret that more and more children are taking medications to control their behavior. Although I long ago stopped subscribing to Time and Newsweek, both those magazines had practically annual articles asking whether we’re medicating our children to death. In the magazines, the anti-medication consensus is always that the fault lies with lazy parents or teachers who just don’t want to deal with child energy. However, having dealt with a lot of child energy myself, I can understand that people would want a break from that. I therefore don’t think the issue is child energy. I think it’s the diminishing number of options parents feel that they have available to cope with the energy.
What I hear from many parents who medicate is that they were unable to control their kids by any other means. But delve into that “any other means” concept, and you discover that these parents feel that their disciplinary options are limited to (a) time outs and (b) talking with the child about his or her feelings. The latter approach seems to be especially popular, because these parents feel its least damaging to their child’s tender psyche. The practical effect is that, when these parents are faced with a naughty child, they “punish” the child by giving him (or her) a long, private heart to heart with Mommy or Daddy. Considering that kids crave parental connection, whether it’s tinged with disapproval or not, I don’t see any incentive for a child “disciplined” this way to stop acting naughty. To the contrary — I see this kind of “discipline” as an invitation to be bad.
For the parents caught in this cognitive trap, where they unintentionally keep rewarding and therefore reinforcing the child’s bad behavior, medicine must seem like, not just the last resort, but the only resort.
I actually subscribe to a more old-fashioned approach which is to punish my kids when they’re bad, and give them lots of positive attention and praise when they’re good. (And no, Greg, because I know what you’re thinking — I do not beat my children.)
My punishments involve taking things away — especially taking away my attention. Whatever I decide — whether it’s throwing away the toy involved in the sibling tug of war, dumping the container of ice cream that would have been desert, canceling the play date — that decision is swift and final. The children do not get long, drawn-out faux Freudian analyses or heart to heart talks about Mommy’s feelings. Those all wait for later (assuming I do them), when they’re no longer connected with the naughty behavior, but are being discussed as a road map for better future behavior. And as I said, I praise the heck out of my kids whenever they do something good — so much so that probably 75-80% of what comes out of my mouth is positive affirmations about genuinely good behavior.
My approach (swift, fair disinterested punishment for bad behavior, coupled with constant, loving praise for good behavior) means that I have nice kids. The other benefit is that, because I verbalize their good behaviors, rather than their bad ones, the kids and I have a strong sense that they are nice kids. That niceness is the intellectual atmosphere that surrounds us. And all of this is done without benefit of medication….
(By the way, I’m not saying my kids or I are perfect. Far from it. We all irritate each other, and some days are definitely worse than others. They have some behaviors that seem so hard wired nothing will improve them, and I can do my yelling with the best of them. Overall, though, there’s a positive sense in our house, where I think they’re good kids and they seem to think I’m a good Mommy.)
Filed under: Children
The thing I find most interesting about this is that our generation seems to be the first to have ever discovered “child energy.” What, no previous generation’s kids were ever energetic? We weren’t ourselves when we were young? Our parents weren’t?
I suspect kids have pretty much always been kids, what’s changed is our aproach to parenting.
“Changed” does not necessarily correlate to “improved.”
I’m a mom and a grammy, and I can tell you that are 100% right on. We have three grown children and I would place special emphasis (as you have) on praise because kids really do want to please their parents. We had many rounds with a challenging daughter who made a few bad choices early on, but she is now a fabulous mom whose kids are a pleasure to be around - and yes, they are naughty at times and her response is swift and sure. She uses time-out once and they have to sit in the doorway where she can see them and there is no discussion of ‘feelings’ until their behavior is acceptable and then she does the touchy-feely stuff. The interesting thing is that we visited them out of state two weeks ago and her two (aged 2-1/2 and 5-1/2) were both amazed at a Burger King when they saw out-of-control kids whose parents let them raise mayhem without stopping the little truants.
Does that mean that anytime you hear a parent say, “My kid has ADD or ADHD,” you’ll find a lazy, ineffective Mom who needs to improve her parenting skills?
Definitely not, T.S. There are undoubtedly kids who have chemical imbalances or neurological deficits that have nothing to do with parenting. I’m just saying that I see a lot of parenting that seems to invite bad behavior, and that these are the same parents who confess that they eventually resorted to medication for the kids because the home situation was untenable.
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Sounds good to me….it’s how I was dealt with, and how my kids were dealt with. We had the usual quota of rebellious talk and acting out, but no medications were used — although the pre-school wanted to drug my little brother, and this was in about 1960……
And yes, there are brain differences in some kids - you can see them on fMRI and so on - but almost no child is given these (expensive) tests. Instead, they’re “diagnosed” based on the basis of behavior, with a checklist that seems subjective in the extreme, to me. Reminds me of how AIDS is commonly diagnosed in Africa - if you have three or more fairly common complaints, you are positive! ADD may be the most overdiagnosed complaint in the US right now.
Spank ‘em.
There are two kinds of parents: those who spank their kids, and those who lie about spanking their kids.
Obsessive overparenting is creating a class of white sport, coat pink carnation types, where these kids lifes are planned out from the get go,creating a bunch of whining cry babies “I will tell my mom on you types”.It’s pathetic. Not only are many parents full of themselves,they pump false,trumped up,unearned,self-esteem into their darling can’t do anything wrong kids.Unfortunately kids receive no lessons in humility or coping skills.Momsy womsy or daddy waddy will do it for princess /junior.No resilience.No respect.No humility.
I agree Swamp. The term “codependence” comes to mind, and I think it’s a very serious looming problem.
I agree also that when children do something bad, they need to be punished, and when they do something good, they need to be rewarded.
But when they’re just being annoying — many parents would say they’re being bad — distraction is a very effective third alternative. My wife raised the technique of diverting our kids attention with constructive, fun things to an art form. It’s quick and easy once you’ve got the hang of it, and works like a charm — even into the teen years although you have to be more subtle.
Is spanking wrong? I mean, do you view spanking as beating? I’m personally curious because I’m searching this out for myself before I become a father.
Timegistus has a point. There are times when a spanking is the shortest, quickest way to convince your child that there is no upside to his or her behavior. End of story.
I haven’t spanked my children in years and, even when I did so, I did it infrequently. I’ve often thought, though, that a quick spanking is much nicer than the psychological punishments with privileges revoked, toys removed forever, social events canceled, etc. From my own childhood memories, a spanking was quick, it was clear, and it was over. I also didn’t repeat the behaviors.
I think what separates spanking from abuse is whether the parent is generally clear and consistent. Children are remarkably fair little creatures (that is, they care deeply about fairness), and they’ll be pretty reasonable about spankings if they know in advance that they’re taking the risk, rather than if it’s a random punishment over which they have no control.
Please keep in mind, though, that spanking is not part of my repertoire now, and it was a minimal part in the past. Spanking was also a sharp slap, not a beating with an object such as a belt or stick.
I will tell you, though, that when a two year old is drawn inexorably to the parking lot, and thinks that Mom’s efforts at distraction are a great game that should be encouraged by repeated journeys to that same parking lot, a swat on the diapers has a marvelous deterrent effect. Which reminds me that most of the spankings came when my children engaged in dangerous behavior that had to stop instantly, without any room for more attenuated consequences.
Thanks for that, BW…..our policy as well. Spanking for that which put a child’s life in danger. Laura got her diaper whacked two or three times when she refused to stop at the corner and started right out into the street. But also for premeditated defiance. The one I remember with Thor was when he looked me in the eye in church at about three, and then started howling about something he wanted but couldn’t have. He still remembers that spanking, and the rebellious feelings he acted on to get it!
I can still remember the single swat on the rear that I received from my mother. I was acting like a spoiled brat and she had reached the limit of her tolerance. My Mom taught me a lot of things, but probably the most important was that it wasn’t always about me, me, me.
BW, you should give a lecture to the American Academy of Pediatrics. While they completely endorse the diagnosis and treatment of AD/HD, which is both over and under diagnosed,
(read misdiagnosed), they still are on the “any spanking is bad parenting” kick. They really are stuck in the adolescent liberal mindset of “give the little kids anything they ‘need’
(want) whoever has to pay whatever cost.
Good, consistent, loving parenting with an eye to their life as an adult, ie. when you’re not there anymore, is the way. When I am asked by parents of my patients “Isn’t spanking bad?” my response is, “If the kid runs into the street, three swift, instant cracks on the backside is the best teaching.” There are some who respond,”A child should never be in such a situation where they could be in danger.” Life is too short to respond to such people.
Al
Thanks, Al…..perfect!
I agree, occasionally a brief, even a single swat on the behind for safety reasons makes sense, for me I became a convert when my 2 year old son, a.k.a, Houdini, just wouldn’t stay in his car seat. Looking over to see a little hand about to grab the door handle as we were moving merrily along the highway, while asking “What’s this for Mommy?” is a wee bit scary! Explaining didn’t work, timeout didn’t work, tightly securing the carseat didn’t work, yelling didn’t work and we just couldn’t have him tumbling around the car when it was moving. I decided to:Stop the car, give one spank, and a “No, No, No, NO get out of carseat! (his language at the time)” and return him to the carseat. I did it twice, and then once again two weeks later when he tested to see if I was serious, and he was convinced.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t anticipate of all the things that Houdini would think to do. When Houdini eventually started smashing glass windows with his fist when he was mad, I had to change my long term resistance to medication (pills aren’t skills)! Once on medication, I watched him, again angry, raise his fist to smash the glass and then he stopped and smashed the wall instead. I suddenly realized that the medication simply gave him time to slow his speeding thoughts long enough to think.
Every kid is different, Houdini’s 3 sibs never needed medication or a spanking or tested limits and resisted transitions the way Houdini did. Houdini grew up to be a caring, responsible young man living on his own now. But, if judgmental people, with a shallow view of reality, had tied our hands with restrictions on a spanking or medication. . . well, we wouldn’t have had such a good outcome. If you are lucky enough not to get a challenging child, good for you, but even the best of parents can get a child that bites other kids, wants to play in traffic or is a Houdini.
Bookworm said
“I think what separates spanking from abuse is whether the parent is generally clear and consistent. Children are remarkably fair little creatures (that is, they care deeply about fairness), and they’ll be pretty reasonable about spankings if they know in advance that they’re taking the risk, rather than if it’s a random punishment over which they have no control.”
That is the approach I have used with my three kids. They get a stern warning, followed by a statement of punishment if they continue the behavior. That way they can choose whether or not to modify their behavior. And I ways follow up the threat with action, if they choose to test me.
Example: My two oldest (then 8 and 6) were arguing. One of the things I can’t stand is kids fighting. I told them that what I was hearing sounded a lot like fighting, and that if they continued, they BOTH would get a spanking. I explained that it takes two to fight, so both would get the punishment. I left the house for about 45 minutes, came back in and they were going at it even harder. I told them to see me, one at a time in my room. I asked them if they remember what I said about fighting. They said yes. I asked if they remembered what would happen if they were caught fighting. They said yes. I told them that daddy doesn’t lie, and since I told them if they kept fighting they would get a spanking, I must give them a spanking. They agreed with that statement. I gave the 6 year old three swats, and the 8 year old five swats. It was done with my hand. After the swats, I pulled them onto my lap and told them I loved them and didn’t like punishing them, but I had to, as they didn’t correct their behavior.
Now, all I need to do, if they start to argue, is ask loudly “is that fighting I hear?” They respond “No”. That is the end of it, the arguing stops. They know what the rules are, and they know what the punishment for breaking that rule is, and they know I will enforce it.
That is the last time I have had to spank any of my kids, now 14, 12 and 8. I warn them about their behavior, I explain what the punishment is if they continue that behavior, then I follow through if they choose to not heed the warning.
I do not like punishing my children. But I don’t want to lie to them either. I make sure that I am willing to follow through with the stated punishment, before I tell them what it is. Nor do I “beat” my kids. When I have had to spank them, I made sure I was calm, never raised my voice, or belittled them. They were spanked in private, and then told that they were loved, and that I know their behavior was not normal. And then I forget about it. One thing I hated as a kid was being punished for something, and then having to live it down for weeks/months afterward. Once the punishment is over with, I am done with it as well.
Eli, I know a lot of kids who need that brake on their reaction time — usually very bright kids who process information too quickly. I’m definitely not advocating for a no medicine situation. I just have a strong situation that many parents, constrained by modern child-rearing mores and in possession of no more than usually naughty children, have eliminated way too many reasonable options from their arsenal before turning to pills.
Hey Book, you might like this.
http://airborneparainf82.blogspot.com/